Acceptance

I read a number of weight loss and fat acceptance blogs regularly and up until recently I have tried to add my two-cents' worth on a regular basis too. But in the last few weeks, I have found myself with a number of ideas and themes swirling around in my head but an inability to put them down on paper.

I try to balance my writing. Although I greatly respect my fellow bloggers who use their own lives as the basis for their blogging, and although I myself often deal with personal issues in my writing, I also like to discuss things in a more theoretical way and take a "big picture" approach to the issues we face. But I think I've had trouble writing recently because the more I try to put aside my personal obstacles, the harder it becomes to say anything. So here goes.

I'm tired. Tired of carefully treading water and knowing that if I try to do more than that, my body will rebel. Lately, I've been seeing people in motorized wheelchairs wherever I go and chiding myself for not being thankful enough for what I have. So I take my nice, leisurely walks knowing that I have expended--if I'm lucky--enough energy to just, just manage to keep my weight from creeping up.

My operated hip has been doing weird things intermittently (I'd rather not go into detail), leading me to be even more cautious with my yoga. My knee will accept absolutely no strenuous exercise. It is severely misaligned and has been so ever since I was a child, so any exercise to strengthen my leg muscles (like biking or using the elliptical trainer--that also have the added value of raising my heart rate and expending some serious energy) will simply hasten cartilage loss and increase bone spurs.

I am going to a specialist to talk about visco-supplementation (i.e. Synvisc), but I don't think it will be that helpful because the misalignment will continue to damage whatever cartilage is strengthened or increased by the injections. I was extremely disappointed in the sports medicine clinic that I went to for a knee brace. I think I really need a kick-ass brace that will cost well over $1,000 and I know that insurance won't cover it since I'd "only" need it to exercise and not to help me walk. I've got to get cracking on finding the right clinic. Maybe the doctor will have some suggestions.

I have the utmost admiration for all the bloggers I read. Whether weight loss warriors or people who have come to terms with the weight they are and aren't trying to make a miraculous change, I see people moving. And it makes me really jealous. Sorry, but sometimes that's how I feel. When bloggers kick themselves for not meeting their exercise goals on a particular day, I just want to scream. Try NEVER, ever being able to do something that makes you break a sweat.

You, over there! Don't feel bad. I'm truly happy for you that you're jogging, or biking, or kick boxing or whatever. It's not your fault that I can't. Just let me blow off a bit of steam. Sometimes you just have to. We all have to.

Especially when it's PMS time...lol.