I'd like to thank all those who commented on my last post regarding "going over to the dark side". There were some great, insightful comments and much appreciated expressions of concern.
I think that the anguish I expressed was in part due to hormonal issues. At my most recent appointment with the endocrinologist a few weeks ago, she once again reduced my dose of tapazol. I'm now at the lowest dose I can take without going off it completely. This is a very good thing and I was thrilled with the decision to decrease the dose. I have a fantastic doctor who has been lowering my dose in an extremely slow, cautious and measured manner. She's not at all trying to jump the gun. But for about two weeks after the dose was decreased, I felt extremely antsy, nervous and full of angst.
Then there's what seems to be the never-ending peri-menopause saga. Yes, at 56 I'm still getting my period, but it's very irregular now. Last summer, I had lots of hot flashes, to go with the hot summer weather. Once the fall arrived, the hot flashes left and didn't return until a few weeks ago. Now, I'm sitting here drying my brow. All in all, just more hormonal issues to add to the mix.
Of course, my feelings were perhaps not due to hormones at all, but instead due to the fact that I'm starting to work more again after my usual dozy, almost work-free, money-free and lower-stress summer. There's just not a lot of work in my field during the summer and it's always been the time when I recharge my batteries in preparation for a busy fall season.
The run-in I had with one of my colleagues last September has changed me. Some might say that I should just get over it, but certain things, well, no matter how hard you try, they do leave their mark. Just as a total aside, if you're interested in reading an incredible memoir about workplace stress, read Out of the Blue: A Memoir of Workplace Depression, Recovery, Redemption and, Yes, Happiness by Jan Wong. I will say no more except that I really, really connected with her experience and feelings (minus the death threats of course--but you'll have to read it to find out more!).
Anyway, between the possibility that my body was scrambling to rebalance itself hormonally after the medication reduction, the return of the hot flashes and the stress of having to once again face and work with people I really didn't want to see, I was feeling a lot of angst and that angst was over-projected onto my Fitbit.
Now, I'm feeling somewhat less overwrought and have decided to continue Fitbitting. I have to agree with Debra: I think I've just taken my mindfulness a bit further than I would normally go. The mindfulness is still definitely there and I have not eliminated anything in particular from my diet (diet, as in "what I eat"--my food repertoire). But I do tend to "watch" things more carefully and have greatly reduced what I eat "after" I realize that I'm pretty well full. I have a tendency to have a few apricots, a handful of nuts, maybe a cracker or two that my mouth craves, as opposed to my stomach. These little perfectly healthy extras have decreased greatly.
Yes, I've been "watching" my calories but I'll tell you all one thing: this 1,200 calories a day thing that so many people seem to swear by is--at least as far as I'm concerned--absolutely for the birds. Speaking for myself and no one else, you'll never see me opting for such a low calorie count. Once you get down that low (and I know many people go much lower!), you're setting yourself up for failure. Hey, but that's my opinion and this is my blog. Do whatever your heart desires and I'll do the same.
I appreciate Screaming Fat Girl's advice to not pathologize food tracking. Yes, it's a learning experience. It has indeed shown me how many little extras I was eating. I still love apricots and nuts and the like, I just don't eat quite as many or to satisfy the mouth. I try to stick to satisfying the stomach for the most part. I do not go hungry.
Karen asked, " how do you feel? Deprived? in control? energetic? moody or happy?" Deprived? Not too much. I still eat my 2 pieces of chocolate quite often after supper. In control? I really don't like that idea. Control makes me feel like I'm fighting myself or fighting something that's "wrong" with me. So I won't go near the word "control". Energetic? I think I need a new bed! Seriously, it's on my list of things to get in the next few months. Moody or happy? That has a lot more to do with my work situation and my search for a more meaningful life. Thankfully, it has very little to do with food.
I salute Coramie for dealing with the deep roots of her weight issues and her realization that tracking is not going to solve them. Personally, and despite the fact that my blog is part of the weight-o-sphere" (though no longer a classic weight-loss blog), I think I have a fairly decent relationship with food, all things considered. And for this, I'm extremely thankful.
I so agree with Fat Chick in Lycra that strict calorie counting is a recipe for abandoning real food. That's why I just won't fall for it, hook, line and sinker.
Thank you HikerRD for assuring me that, "Weight change itself is not unethical or something to be philosophically against [...] You're at least being honest with yourself--a major step on the slippery slope! [and advising me to] consider the wise advice you'll, no doubt, receive from your experienced readers!" That's exactly what I'm doing.
Thank you to "Me" for your calorie calculating technique, though I think I'm going to remain loosey-goosey. As for the bodyfat percentage, you're right: you can only detect a real trend over a long period of time. Trying to see a change day over day is just not doable.
And finally, to "hopefulandfree": don't worry. I'm only slightly out of my mind and not all the time, at that! But I do truly appreciate your concern and the concern of all my wonderful e-friends!
And after saying all this: my Fitbit is being a bit testy. I think the battery is malfunctioning and I wasn't able to use it for two days. It worked today and we'll see what tomorrow brings...
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