I've been characteristically silent recently and it's been weighing on me, as have all the reasons for the silence.
I am at a crossroads emotionally and work-wise. It has become increasingly clear to me over the past six months or so that I am developing an ever deeper fundamentally pessimistic view of life. I think I've always had a bit of pessimism hidden away in me, but nothing like the way I've been feeling since last fall (and to a lesser extent for the past two years or so). My recent fall off the deep end is linked to several factors, which of course are probably related to deeper and much more long-standing issues that were finally set alight and exploded in the fall of 2011.
Despite the fact that pessimism and catastrophizing seem to be my daily lot right now, I am also a person who cannot sit still and let it all happen without a fight. Tomorrow, I have an appointment with a psychologist who comes highly recommended by a hugely successful business woman I know who herself had some issues that needed tending recently. A few hours later, I've set up a 15-minute introductory interview with a career counselor to see if we should start working together. Then, on Tuesday night, I'll be attending a seminar on mid-life career change for women.
Needless to say, I'm looking forward to these upcoming appointments.
On Wednesday, I'm also seeing my hip surgeon to get the results of a recent test to see whether my hip prosthesis has loosened. It's been less than 8 years since my hip surgery and it should be way too early to be thinking about further surgery. But something is definitely wrong with my operated hip and I need to know what's going on. Your good wishes will be greatly appreciated.
Wednesday night, I'm off to Halifax, Nova Scotia for a two-day conference. It's a beautiful city on the ocean, as you can see from the above picture, and I'm hoping that the time away will help me to rest my mind a bit, even though I'll be working at a job that gives me more and more stress and less and less gratification (aside from the paycheque!).
Your blogger pals are here to support you - you know that. I will be sending all the healing and positive vibes I can. You will find your new way. Love and light x
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Sally!
ReplyDeleteHere's wishing you all the best. I am glad to hear you are taking care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI agree--you are taking action, and that's the key to everything. Good for you!
DeleteWow, a complete makeover, mental and physical edition! Thoughts and prayers with you today during your hip appointment.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that pessimism is a normal response to the overly optimistic "positive thinking" drivel that we are force fed continually and that truly contradicts reality. A rich life has some honest lows as well as honest highs. Positive thinking, even in the presence of hard work, is helpful but limited in its power, despite what the talk shows say. When positive-thinking hard workers meet with some success, hooray for them, but let's admit that there's often some serendipity happening. It isn't solely their good attitude and hard work that pulls them through, or even faith for that matter. (Shhh. I didn't say that out loud.) There are other hard-working positive thinkers (and faithful folk) who don't see such a big pay-off and end up just . . . tired. If they're smart and resourced, they do what you are doing: make some appointments. Call in help.
I'm sad that you have had so much low for quite some time now. You are recognizing that it's exceeded the bounds of a normal, honest "low" and I'm glad you're doing what you can to swing your pendulum back a ways.
My heart goes out to you, and wishes you nothing but the best in all these areas of your life. Sometimes pessimism can sneak up on you like quicksand; before you know it, you're stuck and you eventually give in to it. My mother did that for years and each time I'd try to help her out, she'd end up pulling me in with her. NO way to live, but if you don't recognize it, it's easy to miss. YOU are doing a great thing by seeing the signs and like you said: not going down without a fight. GOOD FOR YOU. That is the attitude that will break you free from this; I'm convinced of it. You're too special a woman to take life as it is. Big hugs to you and all the support I can muster is being sent your way.
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