Monday, May 30, 2011

Why So Long?

I have been wanting/not wanting to write something for quite a while now. What follows is not an excuse, nor an apology, it's just how I feel.

I can actually divide the answer to "why so long?" into a few discrete categories:

1) My back. It's been bothering me since the end of February. My, how time flies. There are rare days when I feel OK, but mainly I feel like I'm on the edge of the precipice. I've been there before. It involves pain more deeply frightening than childbirth, a visit to the ER, heavy drugs and desperately praying to a higher being whose existence I am not at all certain of that I will actually get better. I have been teetering on this precipice since February. It's no use going to the doctor since this pain, in of itself, is absolutely trivial and doctors have no idea what to do. I'm scared because I've seen things deteriorate VERY, VERY quickly.

2) Work. Yes, this is a good thing. My revenues are down as compared to last year, which was down as compared to 2009. Since the summer is basically a work desert, it's better to take what comes now.

3) All I want to write about is how most people are fooling themselves completely about losing weight and maintaining that weight loss. Yes, yes, there are outliers. And more power to you if you're one of them. But when I look at the gonzo "starvers" out there, well, it just depresses me. It may take some time, but when the weight regain hits them, that ton of bricks is going to be mighty painful. The more I read and the more I reflect, the more I just want to encourage healthy eating, in reasonable quantities accompanied by physical activity suited to one's level of ability and to one's life and just leave it at that.

I'm no poster child for anything right now. I'm just trying to keep my morale up and keep on keeping on.

Good thoughts are gratefully accepted.

P.S. Just in case you're wondering: this is a picture of my boyos from 2007. We were visiting a friend's farm in Connecticut. My red headed boy now has short hair. My dirty blond headed son's hair is now almost down to his waist! Time flies. Nice picture. Good times.


  1. Good thoughts to you.

    When people are losing weight and want to talk about it, I'm always horribly nervous. It's like when someone is going through a divorce. You don't want to say anything negative about the person they're splitting from (even though that might make them feel better temporarily, and even though they may bait you to say negative things), because you can never be certain that they won't get back together. You don't want to be remembered as the negative Nelly who badmouthed their dear heart. In the case of weight loss, they think they are "divorcing" their old body, along with their former "lifestyle," etc., and they may want you to join in the hatefest, but it won't be too long, generally, that they're back together with their bigger body. Aye. What a conundrum.

  2. I think each of us has the hope we're the outlier. :) I mean, no one would try for the stuff that's...rare...unless one believed one could do it. Whether it be a happy, lifelong marriage or being chosen to be an astronaut or climbing Everest or creating the new patented tech marvel or getting a part in a big film.

    We know the odds are against us, but we feel the need to try to be THE ONE who makes it.

    So, faith lives. :)

  3. I am so sorry to hear about your pain. It is very real and can frighten you into imagining the worst. Also hard when unable to plan ahead or foresee a different outcome. Pain feels like someone is screaming in your head, making it near impossible to think about anything else. Please email me if you need to scream back at the universe. Hugs.

    I've stopped reading weight loss blogs. Just recently. I can't relate anymore. So. Sort of typical for me. A misfit. But I like your blog. I like you. :)

  4. Thanks so much to all three of you!

  5. So sorry to hear you are in so much pain. I am going to dedicate my chanting on Friday night to you.

    Regarding the fooling yourself issue...I have lost a lot of weight and regained...for me the fooling myself comes in to play when I think that once the weight is off I can eat what I want and exercise infrequently.

    Continuing to make the right choices and to move my body are where I get stuck...hopefully not this time.

    Sorry again about your pain...that must be so hard.


  6. I agree with kim, you have to find a way to eat and move the rest of your life. Not for six months. For me this means if I end up a size 10 instead of six, okay. I don't starve, but I do realize that I need to eat like this and exercise like this for the rest of my life. Thinking anything else is a recipe for failure. Hope you feel better soon.

  7. And thanks for the further comments and messages of support!

  8. I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. I've been in a similar place before, but not nearly as intense (and I can't relate to the pain of giving birth). When you're in pain, life becomes very small and focused. It's just about getting through the day.

    I hope things get better soon.

  9. Kind thoughts at all levels. I can relate to the child birth, and to suddenly realizing they are all grown up. I have lived with a chronic pain sufferer and only hope that your spouse is kind and supportive.

    Consider this a careful hug

  10. Wow - there's nothing at all passive-aggressive about this post, is there?

    You start off by wishing more power to the outliers, then in the next breath, you refer to them as "gonzo starvers", then you helpfully point out that, while it may take some time, the weight regain will hit them (us) like the proverbial ton of bricks.

    Jealous much?

  11. I hope you find something that helps with your pain, I have no suggestions. I read very few, if any, weight loss blogs these days, though maybe more health/fitness ones. The way I see it, the ecstasy of losing weight is the counter of the depression of gaining, it's more of an emotional game, then a health thing. I no longer allow myself to indulge in either, I just keep eating as I eat and exercising as I exercise. I probably didn't express this very well, still thinking about what I mean by that.

    I am grateful to not have body pain, yet, so that I can indulge myself with exercise, which seems to be my only stress-relief these days, and my work is currently very stressful. I am also grateful not to be homeless, or a single mom, or many other things.

    I also consider myself lucky to not get into many conversations about weight loss. Occasionally, but I ignore, because all I know is what worked for me, and nobody wants a bloody long term commitment like that. Not my business.

  12. We are not all gonzo starvers. Even those of us in pain.

    Have faith.