A friend of mine sent me this hysterical take-off on food fears (see my previous post, "It's All Poison").
What a wonderful antidote to fear-based eating. Enjoy! With copious thanks to the brilliant Michael Bihovsky (www.michaelbihovsky.com).
Here are the lyrics. If this doesn't brighten your day, I don't know what will. Of course, if you're part of the food police, you'll probably ask the judge to issue a warrant for Bihovsky's arrest!
**Lyrics**
VALJEAN
One grain more
A dash of millet flour might be the key
This never-ending road to gluten free
This horrifying food I eat
Will never taste the same as wheat
One grain more...
COSETTE
A quarter cup of cornflake crumbs
To meet my carbohydrate quota
VALJEAN
One grain more
MARIUS & COSETTE
A teaspoon of some xanthan gum
And still it tastes like...baking soda
EPIPEN
One more dairy substitute
MARIUS & COSETTE
Will I ever eat again?
EPIPEN
Drinking oat milk from a carton
MARIUS & COSETTE
What I'd give for pizza pie
EPIPEN
Now I spend my days confused
MARIUS & COSETTE
Or a slice of beef on rye...
EPIPEN
Wond'ring how you milk an oat
VALJEAN
It's so good to see you, Quinoa!
You're the protein source I chose
Still, you look as if I've seen ya
Coming out of someone's nose
MARIUS & COSETTE
Flax instead of eggs
Try to make it whip
Now what do we use
Instead of chocolate chips?
Carob doesn't work
Carob is a trap
Anyone who's had it
Knows it tastes like crap!
VALJEAN & EPIPEN
When the hell is this stuff dated?
MARIUS & COSETTE
Burned and bloated day and night
VALJEAN & EPIPEN
Why's it smell like something died?
COSETTE
What on earth is "lecithin"?
MARIUS
Love, I fin'ly defecated!
EPIPEN
This does not feel like a bun...
ALL
Do you hear the people sneeze
And cough and wheeze
From allergies?
VALJEAN
One grain more!
MARIUS
(simul)
So I added wheat -- I'm sorry
We still had some left in stock
Nothing says "it's time to party"
Like anaphylactic shock
So I guess this must be Quinoa
It's not so gross, I suppose
Still it looks as if I've seen ya...
COSETTE
(simul)
Will I ever eat again?
What if there's a trace of tree nuts?
Someone get my Epi-pen
I'm not supposed to breathe in peanuts!
EPIPEN
(simul)
Have you ever milked an oat?
Guess it's better than a goat
Try a little nog
Smoother than a silk
Even though it's made
Of neither eggs nor milk!
Have another roll
Harder than a rock
Better hold your breath,
Because it tastes like-
VALJEAN & MARIUS
Tomorrow we will bitch and moan
Tomorrow we'll need cortisone
ALL
Tomorrow we'll discover foods
That even vegans have forsworn!
Wish me luck
Mother(BLEEEEEEEEEP)
One grain more...
Bad and Getting Worse
1 day ago
lmbo! She spiked her oatmilk! If I were going to drink oat milk, I'd have to spike it too!
ReplyDeleteBoth of my grandmothers included a side plate of white bread (2 slices per person) at every meal on every table they ever set, even if the meal was, say, french toast and eggs, or grilled cheese and tomato soup, because people get hungry and to them bread was "the staff of life." They survived the Great Depression while raising large families (7-8 children of their own plus any and all neighborhood strays...as standard fare). Their husbands were both working class men, one was a barber and the other was a now-and-then prospector (neither woman ever learned to drive, btw). In other words, they were "poor" by most standards. One grandmother died of stomach cancer in her late 80s, the other died at 95 of complications from diabetes, which was diagnosed some months after she was forcibly moved to an "old folks home" and was fed god knows what. She was the grandmother who always had a Hershey bar in her purse for me (a Hershey bar---plain not almond---cost a nickel, then, later, an astronomical 10 cents, and finally OMG a quarter U.S., but she always managed to squirrel one away for me---and who knows how many other grandkids--- anyway). She was also the grandmother who ate a doughnut EVERY SINGLE day, with her morning Postum (non coffee coffee), and did 100 bicycle kicks (circles) every night before bed while practically standing on her head. Both grandmas grew victory gardens each year (and had shelves of "home canned"--aka jars--french cut string beans, carrots, tomatoes, corn, etc) and served new potatoes with baby peas in white cream sauce (mmm, butter) with a ham (and the requisite, beautiful stack of sliced home baked white bread, of course)---or pork roast, canned applesauce, etc, and bread.
ReplyDeleteIn other words, these women kept the masses well fed on amazing culinary feasts (somehow) and with poverty-line incomes. They served banquets on the same platters that had been wedding gifts, there was never more than one radio (or, much later, one T.V.) in their homes---or one car in their garage, their thick wool winter coats (stunningly full and long, with huge buttons and satin-lined pockets) lasted 3 decades at least, and so forth. They were a singular group of feminine heroines who died before eight-track tapes and video games entered reality.
My own mother (on the other hand) wouldn't serve us orange juice at breakfast without first stirring in tablespoons of brewer's yeast, dessicated liver powder and cod liver oil (try swilling that concoction first thing in the morning without holding your nose and gagging), she fed us cubed hydrolyzed soy protein (so-called "ham") with our egg-white omelets, carob chip "cookies", fresh carrot juice, etc...aka "health food" intended to keep us healthy (aka not fat).
The old gals knew the value of plain, plentiful good food. Their daughters (some, anyway) found salvation on the commodity shelves of "health food stores", having been betrayed miserably by modern medicine's false promises to keep them healthy, youthful and trim. Their lives were complex and demanding in ways never dreamed of by their mothers.
I guess I can sympathize (and empathize) with all sides of the food wars. At least, I can see the stark historic contexts and divisions within the very different nutrition-as-symbolic-female-power ideological battlefields.
OMG, hopefulandfree, we were definitely separated at birth! I can still taste that horrible orange juice with brewer's yeast concotion that my mother was convinced would keep her (and me) healthy. Gross does not go far enough in describing how horrible it was.
ReplyDeleteIck, I'm glad my mom never tortured us with cod liver oil. She tried to make us eat liver, and meat in general, I always hated it. These days, seems everyone is afraid of gluten. The French think that food prohibitions, in the absence of actual allergies, are bad manners, and I'm starting to agree. The boyfriend tries pulling that with me occasionally - he doesn't like rice noodles, bean thread noodles, buckwheat noodles, seeds aren't food, this food sucks, that isn't food, it's what food eats. this is weird, that's weird, whine whine whine. I tell him this is what's for dinner, he doesn't like it, bring his own gd food, I am NOT running that kind of restaurant. He shuts up and eats whatever I have. It's one thing if you're truly veg, or have allergies, or really hate something, but if you're just being picky and annoying, get over yourself.
ReplyDeleteFortunately, about 90% of the people I associate with are scientists, and they don't invent food problems just to have something to do.
Gorgeous voices! If only they were singing about something other then gluten free grains!
ReplyDelete